J A M E S A N D L E E  7 sures, grottos, and other assorted holes in the ground, the struc- tural stability of your home is entirely at the mercy of chance. When you first consider subterranean home ownership, you need to keep three things in mind: location, location, and min- eral deposits. Quite literally, mineral deposits can make or break a home. The lucky ones are those who find a suitable and well- located dwelling, and only after moving in, find to their joyous surprise that veins of gold, silver, and other precious minerals run elegantly through the interior of their new home. Our cousin Sammy has an entire wall of iron pyrite, and though it isn’t gold, it looks fabulous. Then there are those who have the misfortune of discovering that their home is nothing more than a ticking time bomb—much like ours. My brother and I inherited our lit- tle abode from our parents after they were killed in a cave-in. And though we probably should have moved out years ago, we just could not help but stay in the hole in which we were born. (Even if the walls are lined with an absurd amount of magne- sium.) Besides, it makes life a lot more exciting when you know that at any moment your home could explode into a ball of all- consuming flames with you trapped inside. Alas, that’s life in the underground. So, there I was: limping, bruised, disoriented, and bleeding as I peered down at my ill-fated brother, who was still smoldering from what I assumed was his recent attempt to hang a picture on our wall. Lee coughed a small billow of grayish smoke and tried to stand on his feet. “ARE YOU OKAY?” I asked loudly, presuming by the blood that was running out of his ears that he would have issues with hearing. “I THINK I BROKE YOUR HAMMER!” Lee shouted back as he waved the dismembered tool in the air. “YES, I THINK YOU DID!” I replied as I limped over to the kitchen, where we kept the first aid kit. Having found it and opened it, I placed my hand into its contents and scooped out a